Commitment

If you meet two old people who grin and tell you they have been together in a committed relationship for fifty blissful years without any problems, do the following: (1) check to make sure one or both of them don't have Alzheimer's Disease, (2) ask them if they are on prescription medications, (3) ask them how many cocktails they have had or are planning to have at sundown.

Commitment to causes or relationships is difficult to fulfill over time. It requires working through boredom and frustration as much as reaping the rewards. It requires difficult and often painful discussion and expression of feelings. There are simply days when it may not seem worth it. Seriously looking at why and what can be done about it keeps things going.

The key to making a commitment which is sustainable is understanding your own needs and goals in committing to a process or a person. "Oh, that might be fun!" isn't really solid ground for making a commitment. What is fun today is often hard work tomorrow.

We live in a time of reduced attention spans. It is an age of n.s.a. relationships. Reduced attention spans are deadly in committed relationships of any kind. Paying attention, planning and proceeding with mindful cooperation sustain a committed relationship or cause. Going with the flow erodes commitment as individual priorities gradually eclipse the priorities of the relationship or cause.

Being realistic, based on self-understanding, is the preventative cure for being over-committed. Idealists often have a problem with commitment because they find it hard to limit their vision or self-concept. In reaching for the dream, they stumble over the obstacles rather than patiently removing them one by one with difficult discussion and routine labor. By being more realistic, an idealist often benefits from making time-limited commitments or by breaking the big dream/goal down into a process of steps, based on more immediately achievable goals to which specific commitments can be made. With proper foresight and planning, the bigger dream can be accomplished while maintaining solid committed relationships along the way.

 "I will do this for this length of time under these agreed-upon conditions." This is the basic contract of any commitment. If a commitment contract becomes overly complicated with if's and but's, it is usually an indication from the start that one or more parties is ambivalent or simply being self-deceptive. Once agreed upon, a commitment is the work of all parties who make it to the best of their abilities. It is the job of all parties to maintain that contract with honest communication and action.

A marriage certificate is not a commitment. It is a piece of paper. Any verbal or written contract is itself nothing without the good intentions and determination of those who commit to it from the beginning. The most crucial time in determining the success or failure of any commitment is the time before it is made. If those making it are not sufficiently prepared to honor it, then the commitment will be worthless.