Control

My downstairs neighbor thinks I use too much water. She has informed me of this in a couple of emails.  I live in an old apartment building. Apparently, she pays attention to the sound of my water running through her apartment. When I wash dishes, she sometimes bangs her cabinets loudly in her kitchen below mine. She once informed me how many times I had turned on my kitchen taps in an hour. I was impressed with this scientific approach to her psychological issue. It did not seem to help her, since the frequency of my water usage is none of her business. 

Seeking to control the peaceful and private behavior of others is often a symptom of severe pain, in my opinion. The feeling of powerlessness that comes with disease is not unfamiliar to me. I have been severely ill in my life. Every noise and perceived intrusion was acutely painful and elicited an overblown reaction from me. My ability to control myself and my anger was tested to its limits. I hope those who knew me then think I succeeded in using my mind to temper the animal responses of my body. 

Those who are not mindful, however, are not engaged in the process of self-understanding and moderation in the moment. If my priorities in life are my desires and my needs over all else, I will inevitably try to control my environment to assure the uninterrupted provision of my wants and desires. If the environment and those in it do not comply with my narcissistic needs, I might become violent to others or to myself. This form of mental illness runs the spectrum from paranoid schizophrenia to simple modern narcissism. The paranoid schizophrenic may strike out at strangers on the street. The modern narcissist may cheat on his taxes or run a Madoff scheme. 

As an upstairs neighbor, I tread softly by conscious choice. I am always aware that my floor is my neighbor's ceiling. I clean the hallways of my building because I like clean hallways, and the building's owner seems neutral on the subject. I do use water. I will confess to liking cleanliness. I am bothered by my neighbor's pain at not being able to control my water use. I wish she was able to allow me to help her with this. So far my attempts to do so have seemed to make things worse. When absolute control is the goal, nothing else will satisfy.