Artifice

I am not a fan of optional cosmetic surgery or tattooing. I would not ban such things, if I were king. After all, I believe the baseline human right is the right of the individual to control his/her own body. I simply believe that cosmetic surgery distorts the individual's self-perception and thereby interferes with psychological/mental development. It promotes materialism and hedonism. It supports narcissism. Just my opinion.

Tattooing is another matter. Proponents wax on about the ancient provenance of the tattoo. However, in modern times, tattoos are associated as well with prisons, Goth mass murderers and neo-Nazis. Not much provenance of merit there. Tattoos are a form of signal, a sign language, for many. For others, tattoos are just another way of playing with themselves. Tattooing can become compulsive and masturbatory. Again, my objection comes from a concern that this interferes with psychological development. 

Accepting my own body was a major step in my own psychological development. When I was a young gay man, being six-foot-three was a cause for many critical comments from my gay peers and the older men I desired. The ideal gay man was five-foot-eight, thin and natural muscular, in a mesomorph fashion. My peers who were so gifted were popular and were required to do little to attract the men I desired. I had to try harder, I thought. I lost weight. I exercised. My popularity increased, but I was still not as popular as my more diminutive peers.

Light eventually dawned on my dim horizon. I would never be five-foot-eight again. I accepted my size as a given. I woke up to the attentions of those who wanted me for being who I was. Suddenly I felt more popular than I had imagined possible. Perhaps too popular. 

All this came to mind today after one of my dental crowns fell off last evening while I was eating crackers and cheese. It replaced a front tooth, and now I have a hillbilly smile. I see the dentist later. The smile is less important than maintaining my oral health by plugging the hole I now have up into my upper jaw. 

The effect of this change on my mental body image has irked me. When I look at a mirror, an activity I generally avoid, I see a man of my age certainly. Now I see a man in decay. In other words, the presence of that false tooth was enabling my denial of my obvious and natural decay to some very basic degree, of which I was unaware. While I am happy to be reminded of who I really am, I am disappointed in myself for this residual vanity at 63. I had hoped I was beyond this.

It is never easy to be frankly honest with myself about my aging and the inevitable effects of chronic disease on my body. However, I believe it is an absolutely necessary process for me to be an honest person. This sense of personal honesty was learned the hard way thirty years ago when I became infected with HIV. Carrying a lethal virus brings its own lessons and developmental demands in order to remain an honest and ethical person. 

Practice, as I see it, is never about maintaining illusion. It is quite the opposite: It is a constant process of piercing the bubbles of illusion to get at the truth of my existence. No plastic smile can cover this truth. No tattoo can glamorize what is not truly glamorous.