Loving

People often say that love is "being there" for another. But "being there" seems too simple to me. For example, there are couples who puff out their chests when they declare they have been married for several decades. They have certainly been proximate to one another, but their lives can be discovered to be hours of bickering, pouting silences and hollow familial rituals. 

There is a vast difference between "love" as concept and loving, as a living process in the moment. Being there in the sense of loving means bringing full attention and compassion toward a person in the moment. Yes, loving does require some actual contact with another. But, a brief conversation on Skype can perhaps be more loving than a whole evening watching television side by side. 

Loving is not for the lazy or those who prefer virtual conventions of conversation. Pressing a "Like" button is not loving. Loving requires attentive communication which is sometimes uncomfortable due to its honesty. An implied contract between individuals sometimes excludes true loving. "Don't rock the boat" is a caption for many relationships, which are contracts of convenience and reciprocity. They are more like business partnerships than friendships. In business, this may be appropriate, but it is not loving. 

Loving is not for the fainthearted, the duplicitous or the manipulative. Loving has nothing to do with money or selfish comfort. "Being there" means simply showing up in its most common usage. "Being there" in the sense of loving means a commitment to be vulnerable and candid. Loving in this way takes a great deal of practice. Many conventional families of origin actively discourage this form of loving. Family secrets and delusions are treasured above honesty and vulnerability. 

I believe that a humanist practice must be rooted in loving. Nonviolence is based in loving. Putting general well being above selfish gain is based in loving. Making the everyone in the human species part of my family requires loving to a degree which takes a great deal of courage and risk. Taking responsibility for my actions toward the planet which supports my life requires a form of loving which is not easy at all in the industrialized world.