Preparedness

I have eaten well at human life's table. 
When my plate is cleared, 
I will happily leave. 

These sentences came to my mind last night as I prepared for sleep. I decided to share them because I feel they convey an ongoing process within my own present mind as I deal with aging and disease. I have developed a preparedness for death. I have become more aware of this lately. It is neither morbid nor maudlin. It is a realistic assessment of my physical and mental place as a living being. I derive comfort from it. 

I have never been a person who writes bucket lists. I find the whole concept narcissistic, especially among those whose lives in the developed world have far exceeded the convenience and comfort of the vast majority of lives on the planet. A wealthy American lawyer who must climb Mount Everest in his retirement, for example. A stock broker, who retires early on his profits from trading digital paper, feeling compelled to sail around the world on his own yacht. 

Greed gives way to gluttony. As death approaches, there is never enough to satisfy the anxiety of the approaching inevitable. Powerlessness does not go down any better with a $500 bottle of rare wine. Are the octogenarians rushing to Alaska on buffet-laden cruises really interested in ecology when they proudly state, "I wanted to see the glaciers before they are all gone." ?  I think not. I think they are on a white-knuckle cruise to their own graves with little resolution of what that means to them. 

Preparedness in life is a practice I took to early on. I wasn't a boy scout. In fact, regimented groups with uniforms and medals always made me very uneasy. However, I discovered early on that preparing required thought and analysis. It then paid off with a better result than waiting for shit to happen. Yes, shit happens. I agree, but there is a lot of shit that life tosses which can be avoided with preparedness. One of my earliest decisions based on this concept was my initiating my own application to a prep school which was considered beyond my capabilities, financial capacity or class by my parents and some administrators at the prep school, who later confessed this to me. 

Staying physically and mentally healthy are the most effective forms of preparedness. Being physically and mentally fit lightens the burden of many of life's contingencies. Looking straight ahead also helps. Allowing myself to be endlessly distracted by the negativity or irresponsible neediness of others is bad for me. If I keep my eyes focused on my life's solid priorities (elements of practice), I can be better prepared for inevitable and unpredictable changes. Acknowledging what I have already lived as my own responsibility and accepting it as my life are effective ways to be in touch with the richness of my experience, rather than focusing on what I have not had, accomplished or experienced. 

No matter how prepared I may be for my inevitable demise, it will most likely come as a surprise. This is the human condition for most of us. This does not lead me to say, "Oh, what the hell!" and then go off on a binge of self-deluding self-gratification. I have chosen to examine the reality of it all with acceptance. I have allowed myself to examine my own body from this perspective. It is a rich experience. It has allowed me to relate to all beings who age and die on some level. The scrawny cat, the drooping sunflower, the demented lady with a walker. 

I believe being grounded in the education of these realities brings an understanding of the world. It may eventually be a world without human beings. It may be a world covered in sunflowers or ruled by robots. None of that will be under my control or matter to me. It is simply how The Universe works through constant change. I am learning to accept my place in that scheme with less anxiety, sense of deprivation or anger.