EVERYBODY-GETS-A-LIKE LAND

Once upon a time, on a planet not far away, a nation was invaded by evil witches. The witches were crafty indeed.  They disguised themselves to look like large, chubby, cheerful children. 

They stashed away their broomsticks and cauldrons. They did magic plastic surgery on themselves to remove their warts and greenish hue. They coiffed their fright-wig hair to look thick and lustrous. Some of the witches could not disguise their manliness. They practiced lilting voices and swished around for hours to get it right. 

These witches hated two kinds of people above all others: Smart boys and smart girls. Smart children were always causing them trouble. Smart children refused to do anything silly the witches commanded of them. They refused to act like silly children who care about nothing but their looks and what they wear. Smart girls and smart boys were too eager to learn and excel at anything they attempted. The witches hated that most. 

These cynical witches knew that smart boys and girls would eventually find them out. Smart people had forced the witches to run away from countless places over time. These wily witches devised a spell to keep the smart boys and smart girls down. It was really quite simple after they hypnotized all the school principals, university deans and politicians across the land to do whatever they were told ... or else. 

A proclamation was issued by The Head Witch, the oldest and wiliest of all the witches. "This land will now and forever be known as Everybody-Gets-A-Like Land. Or else." She had spent time on a planet with social media where likes were much prized by humans. "They'll do anything for lots of likes," she cackled at witch-training seminars. And she was proven right.

National flags were removed. Teaching reading, science or history was outlawed. The children were told to discard their tidy school uniforms for bad-fitting leisure wear. Bathing was discouraged. The best dentists, doctors and psychologists mysteriously disappeared. Engineers, biologists and mathematicians disappeared. Politicians and lawyers in the pay of the witches flourished, at first. 

The initial chaos caused all the children to rejoice, especially the more slovenly and impolite. They were lauded by the witches as Trend-Setters Supreme (the TSS's). Tardy students were awarded Later-Is-Better badges for their individuality (the LIB's). Fat students were awarded extra helpings of sticky pudding at lunch and T-shirts which declared them Anti-Gravitational Heroes (the AGH's). Smelly students were given awards for having the Most Pungent Personal Perfume (the MPPP's).  The children were encouraged to socialize only within these groups in order to be accepted and understood.

The parents of the most dysfunctional children became national superstars. Their bad genetics and poor parenting skills were rewarded at frequent loud ceremonies in public places with deafening fireworks displays and ample intoxicants. Casinos popped up everywhere. Borrowing money from witch loan sharks was encouraged. An occasional drunken riot of louts was described by the witch media as protest against the old order. Smart parents tried to disguise themselves to fit it, but many committed suicide after failing to do so. 

Everybody-Gets-A-Like Land's reputation as the best place to be rude, lazy, fat and smelly spread quickly around the globe. The witches (who ate freshly killed humans, by the way) were overjoyed. Their plan was a smashing success. They held vast banquets for witches who flew in on broomsticks with warp drives from everywhere in the galaxy. They hosted panel discussions and seminars on how to change any place with humans into a bountiful paradise for witches. 

All the smart people who didn't kill themselves were eaten first. They didn't much mind, because they had no reason to live. Being smart was readily punished with gang contempt, derision and violence by the TSS's, the LIB's, the AGH's and the MPPP's. The most intelligent willingly surrendered themselves to the witches for consumption. They recognized they had no place in Everybody-Gets-A-Like Land. 

The witches grew to be enormous. Their hunger also grew. They eventually slaughtered and ate their trophy-winning supporters until there were no humans left to eat in Everybody-Gets-A-Like Land. Their allies all over the planet also got enormous. They too ran out of humans to eat. 

The first Witch War (WWI) occurred when witches began eating each other. That war was short-lived. One dozen captured witches fed a population of witches for some time due to the enormity of the average witch. But subsequent and more violent wars ensued as the average witch captive became leaner: WWII, WWIII, and so on, until a small coterie of skinny and most vicious witches remained. Three, to be precise. 

The three remaining witches bemoaned the ultimate failure of their plans in Everybody-Gets-A-Like Land. They reminisced and reminisced while imagining each other on a spit over a fire. But they were too scrawny to be appetizing or potentially filling. So they eventually agreed to set off on their broomsticks to seek sustenance on other planets and left their dehumanized planet behind.